


Broken, I'll fix you.

by Alex- but not Vause (PreponSchilling)



Category: Orange is the New Black
Genre: F/F
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-05-07
Updated: 2018-05-07
Packaged: 2019-05-03 11:08:49
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 8
Words: 18,257
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14567715
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/PreponSchilling/pseuds/Alex-%20but%20not%20Vause
Summary: AU Piper Chapman at the young age of 16 had always thought that life had something special reserved for her. She was supposed to do a lot of things. Being terminally ill, was not one of them.





	1. Chapter 1

### Bad News

"Alex-"

"Wait-"

"Alex!"

"What?!"

"I really have to go!" Piper laughed as she tried to free herself from the firm grip Alex had on her jacket, trying to keep her in place.

"Why, though?" Alex protested as she let go, visibly curious as to why her younger friend really wanted to go, slightly annoyed too. Lately they've been spending all the possible amount of time together.

"My parents are taking me to the doctor, I've told you" the shorter girl said timidly as she straightened her pants which was now really dirty after spending half the afternoon sitting in the grass at the park, having ice cream and talking about everything and anything, just enjoying themselves.

"Shit, I forgot, Pipes." Alex replied as she squinted her eyes suspiciously. "Are you still feeling sick? It's that intermittent fever, right? she had a knowing but concerned look. Piper didn't reply, just glanced at her knowingly. "I can't afford to fail the course" Piper sighed, visibly concerned. "I can't miss another class, Al."

"Except the ones you miss just to see me, right?" Alex grinned goofily, leaning back on her elbows, still sitting on the grass.

Piper rolled her eyes, sighing dramatically but a ghost of a smile threatened to show on her features as she reached for her bag, feeling a sudden, strong wave of exhaustion take over her that made her sink to one knee, breath hitching as she closed her eyes and tried to fight it off.

"Hey, Pipes, Are you okay?" Alex asked with too much concern as she leaned over, eyeing Piper gloomily.

"Yeah" the blonde nodded slowly, "Just tired from the day, you know?"

"You're always tired." Alex muttered playfully.

"Shut up" Piper smacked her playfully. "See you later for the movie?"

"Absolutely" Alex smiled sweetly, giving the shorter girl a fierce nod.

Piper returned the sweet smile before rising to her feet to head off. Alex watched as her figure grew smaller and smaller in the distance and immediately retrieved her glasses so she could watch Piper's figure clearly.

When she was no longer in sight, Alex stood up and stretched nonchalantly, picking up her leather jacket and headed home to prepare herself for the upcoming movie date.

She liked to think about it as a date because she was head over heels in love with her best friend, but those were territories she was too afraid to venture because she was sure that her blonde friend didn't even thought about her in that way.

So she brushed that thought off her mind as she lit a cigarette on her way home, the pang of pain that started to nest in her chest was enough for her to stop her musings and just smoke freely.

However, she relentlessly found herself thinking the same thing: I'm in love with my best friend.

//

Bill and Carol Chapman were sitting in Doctor Healy's office, facing the large wooden desk, without looking at each other. The doctor was on the other end of the table, trying to analyze their eactions.

Both Chapmans were at a loss of words, trying to understand and process the words they just heard.

"She…" Bill swallowed hard. "She has… cancer?" his faces contorted in a mixture of sorrow and disbelief.

"Leukemia. The Acute Lymphoblastic type." Doctor Healy continued, "To be more specific…" he took a deep breath and put his hands together, elbows on the table and a serious but kind expression, "It's when the bone marrow produces a large amount of immature white blood cells. These aren't strong enough to fight infection so the body starts to make more, but the more cells there are, the more they can find their way into her blood and bone marrow." He paused and looked at the anguished faces in front of him.

"So, these cells in her blood and bone marrow… they prevent healthy blood cells from forming properly." He finished.

"Recently, doctor" Bill spoke, swallowing thickly again. "My mother… Piper's grandmother passed away from breast cancer. Is there any chance…"

"No, Bill. I'm glad you asked." He sat straight and leaned on the back of his chair. "Some kinds of cancer are congenital, others are genetic, but cancer isn't contagious-"

"No, I know, doctor-" Bill interrupted, unable to articulate the words to make sense as to what he was trying to say "I mean…" his voice breaking "Will she… Is she going to get better?"

Doctor Healy looked at him with his beady eyes "I can't say for sure, it depends on the treatment and the response it gets from her body. But the good news is that we caught it somewhat early, though I want to begin treatment as soon as possible to ensure the best possible results out of it."

"Will she need chemotherapy?" Carol finally spoke.

"Yes, Mrs. Chapman." Doctor Healy nodded. "It is the most effective treatment for Piper's type of cancer. But, I have to tell you, caution you, that the treatment is quite intense and it has a lot of undesirable side effects."

"Yes, doctor. My mother had chemotherapy and she lost her hair and always felt nauseous, but if you say that's what we need to do…" he didn't finish his thought, as reality began to sink in.

"It might help if we start as soon as possible."

"Are you certain" Carol asked with a stern tone.

"No." Doctor Healy stood up "There are no guarantees, but frankly, your daughter does not have a choice otherwise."

//

Piper sat in the waiting area, typing furiously on her phone. Alex just sent a text:

_Alex [5:36 pm]_

_So, we're definitely watching Guardians of the Galaxy vol. 2._

__

_No complaints, Chapman..._

__

_Btw, are you out of the doctor's yet?_

__

_Piper [5:37 pm]_

__

_That's SO unfair, you always pick the movies! Mhm, okay, but then you have to stay over at my place, no complaints._

__

_No. I don't know what they could possibly be talking about for so long now._

__

Barely a minute later, the reply from Alex came but Piper didn't have time to read it because the door suddenly opened and she looked over to see her parents emerge, visibly concerned and paled-faced.

__

Piper felt unpleasant knots on her stomach and her heart raced. "Daddy, what's wrong?" she asked in confusion as Bill sat down dejectedly beside her. "What did he say?"

__

//

__

Alex walked happily to Piper's house, humming absentmindedly to herself. She had picked up the tickets for their movie and texted Piper over and over without getting a reply, so she figured Piper was getting ready and didn't text again, she'll just wait to see her.

__

She clutched their tickets on one hand as she rapped on the door with the other, waiting, as always for Piper to swing the door open with her goofy smile, jacket over her shoulder, rushing to go out but not before checking her reflection on the front room mirror to make sure she was perfect, to which Alex would make fun of and Piper would punch her lightly. And that's what Alex craved, physical contact from her beautiful friend.

__

//

__

It should have worried Alex a bit not to see Piper immediately appear, but she just thought that Piper didn't hear her knocking so she knocked again, considerably louder and impatient this time.

__

What really threw her off was, when the door finally opened, it was Bill Chapman. But okay, she thought, that's nothing to worry about, right? Maybe Piper was running late, making sure she looked flawless with her always perfect-looking hairstyle.

__

"Alex" Bill said strangely cordial, which, before anything, surprised Alex beyond anything, because Bill had always vocalized his disdain for her continuous presence in the Chapman house. That's why Alex would always complain to Piper that she preferred when they had sleepovers over her apartment.

__

"I'm sorry, but I'm afraid Piper won't go out tonight," Bill said firmly.

__

"Why?" Alex questioned, brow furrowed.

__

"She's… sick".

__

"Sick?" Alex scoffed "What do you mean, sick? Is she alright? This afternoon she was fine"

__

"Alex, please", Bill replied sternly.

__

"But we've got our tickets and everything" Alex protested, raising her hand to show him the tickets, as to prove her point.

__

"And you can watch your movie any other day!" Bill scolded, running out of patience.

__

"I'm terribly sorry but you better go home, she needs to rest."

__

"Alex?" Piper's voice echoed weakly from the foot of the stairs as her face slowly appeared through the open to

__

door.

__

"Pipes," Alex called her friend, noticing immediately that her hair was messy and she was wearing her pyjamas, looking nowhere near ready to go out.

__

"Piper, I told you to rest." Bill said tiredly

__

"I will, daddy," Piper nodded, "Just. Just let me talk to Alex for a minute?" she pleaded, "Please?"

__

After several seconds of hesitancy, Bill reluctantly agreed, realizing that it would be futile to try to make her rest now, she wouldn't do it until she spoke to Alex. He let her inside and watched cautiously as Piper started climbing the stairs, Alex trailing behind, heading to Piper's room, where she shut the door and safely locked it go avoid interruptions.

__

"What's going on, Pipes?" Alex asked, totally confused. She made her way to Piper's bed and sat on the edge. Here was Piper, in front of her, seemingly looking the same as she did before. So what could her father possibly mean by sick?

__

"Look, Al." Piper started quietly as she bit at her nails, nervously.

__

This made Alex anxious, Piper NEVER bit her nails, she even scolded Alex when she did, so she was really eager to know what the fuck was going on.

__

"Yes?" Alex voiced impatiently as she watched Piper pacing nervously. "What's wrong Pipes?" Alex caught Piper's hand as she passed in front of her and demanded her attention.

__

The younger girl sighed in defeat, sitting beside Alex, focusing on their hands. Alex didn't let go of her hand and it made her heart flutter. She took another deep breath before she was able to speak.

__

"I think…" Piper glanced at Alex "I think I won't be able to go out with you anytime soon. You should go to the movie" she said, biting her lip, "You should find someone else to go with. Besides, you'll need to replace me, you know, for the trip, it's already paid for"

__

"What?" Alex hissed, standing up abruptly, looking at Alex defiantly.

__

"Replace you? Why should I do that?"

__

"I can't be hanging out now, I won't be able to go with you to Europe, and I can't go to museums and movie theaters and picnics and everything you love to do every day, I can't. And I know you need… I know you need a friend that can be with you, whenever you feel like escaping that foster care, and I don't want to stop you."

__

"What are you talking about? Why can't you go out with me?" Alex felt as though she would cry anytime soon, so it was her turn to pace. The words Piper just told her stung deeply. For some reason felt like a break up, but it was silly because Piper was just her friend, but the pain Alex was feeling was very real at the possibility of Piper cutting her off her life.

__

"Because…" Piper sighed, standing up too, glancing at Alex with tired expression and worried eyes. "I…"

__

Alex looked at her expectantly, almost impatiently awaiting the end of that sentence. _"I have a boyfriend now and I can't be seen hanging out with you, because you're gay."_ and all sorts of things started spinning uncontrollably through Alex's mind.

__

"I don't really know how to tell you this, so I'm just going to come clean." Piper blurted out, standing awkwardly and looking everywhere around her room except at Alex.

__

A deafening silence permeated the room for agonizing seconds before she was finally able to speak again.

__

"I've got cancer."

__

"Mhm, You'll have to do better than that to make me go away, Piper." Alex chuckled. Piper looked at her, hurt evident in her glassy eyes.

__

Alex stood abruptly. Piper walked towards her bedroom window and peered out into the darkened street with her back to Alex. A sense of pure panic rise within the raven haired girl when she realized what those three words meant.

__

Piper, her best friend, her amazing, beautiful, talented best friend, the girl she was in love with had…

__

_No._

__

"No… you- you can't. Pipes… you can't have that! You're too fucking young! There's no way… Pipes…" Alex finished barely above a whisper and she sighed as she looked at her friend, concern all over her features. A painful knot starting to nest in her throat, making it difficult to breathe properly. "I…" she whispered, getting closer to Piper. "I'm sorry, I- I thought-"

__

"It's okay, Al" Piper said dejectedly as she finally turned around. A tear had escaped her azure eyes. She looked down to the floor, unable to look her friend in the eye.

__

Alex swallowed thickly, voice broken "You can't die on me, Pipes." Alex said delicatedly. She felt her stomach drop as she said the words aloud, as if the situation was an illusion. There was no way that this could really be happening to her. not now.

__

Her mother had just died a couple of months before and the only comfort she could find was this little girl's support and friendship. Piper was the only one who stood by her side, besides her other best friend, Nicky. There was no fucking way her beloved best friend was going to _abandon_ her too.

__

"I- I don't know if I'm going to die." Piper whispered, between quiet sobs as she bit her lip to stop it from trembling. "I have an appointment tomorrow… I have to… I'm going to get chemotherapy, as soon as possible to try to fight this." She shivered at the thought.

__

Alex threw her arms around Piper in a tight embrace, nodding dumbly, in total disbelief of how your life can change in just a matter of seconds. She wouldn't let go, and felt Piper's body trembling as she continued sobbing. She felt her eyes prickling, she never knew anyone who had cancer before, she only heard it mentioned from Piper when she talked about her grandmother, who had died only a month before her own mother.

__

To Alex, cancer was something that didn't happen to young people, this wasn't meant to happen to her. Not to Piper. It was a prolonged death sentence. And certainly, Piper didn't deserve it.

__

Alex wasn't able to contain her own dread that she was going to lose her forever. First his mother, who was her everything, she was her rock, and now Pipes who was… everything to her. Alex placed a small kiss at the top of Piper's head. "How- how are you feeling?" was all Alex could whisper in that moment, trying to fight her own tears.

__

"Okay." Piper's reply came muffled, she had her head buried in Alex's chest and she didn't want to move from there. She had a mixture of feelings that made her weak. "I'm scared, Alex." she admitted after a few moments. "Chemo is a bitch, and I know they're going to destroy me, that's why you should find someone else to live your adventures with." she said trying to sound calm.

__

"No," Alex shook her head vehemently and stopped hugging Piper just so she could look her in the eye as she continued, "No, Pipes, I won't do that, I don't care if you can't go out, and I'm not going on that stupid trip without you."

__

"Why not? It was expensive and you've been planning it forever." Piper insisted weekly. Alex took her hand and walked to Piper's bed, sitting down again.

__

"I don't care, Pipes," Alex said, still holding her hand. "Fuck it, it doesn't matter, at all. We'll go some day… just- just focus on getting better, yeah?" she caressed Piper's knuckles with her thumb.

__

"Are you sure you don't want to go?" Piper asked slowly, feeling guilty that the trip that Alex dreamed about and had been planning for ages was ruined because of her.

__

"Yes, you idiot!" Alex nodded and try to smile reassuringly.

__

Piper was terrified of what would happen to her, she was scared because she didn't want to die. She didn't want to leave Alex, she had so much to do.

__

"How can you possibly be thinking about this right now? Any trip, and any "adventure" as you said it, isn't nearly as important as you are to me, Pipes." Alex confessed honestly. "You should be resting, you know? Bill was right."

__

Piper smiled weakly at Alex, before shuffling over and sliding underneath the covers.

__

Alex didn't know how to act. She didn't even know what she was thinking, every awful thought was passing through her mind over and over again.

__

"Hey, I know that you said earlier that… you know, if you need space I can go" Alex finally said standing up. "Or if you want me to, I could stay." she was rambling. Of course Alex wanted to stay, she didn't want to miss a moment with Piper now that they could be the last ones. She suddenly felt as if she could lose Piper at any moment. So she decided that staying around her as long as possible would be the only way.

__

Again, swirling darkness inside her head. "What about the movie?" Piper asked as she looked up at Alex.

__

"What about it?" Alex raised an eyebrow with a slight smirk on her worried face. "You're a dork, Pipes." she said as she turned off the light and went to lay down on the bed, still fully dressed.

__

Piper smiled gratefully before letting her heavy eyelids fall shut.

__

Alex stared at the ceiling for a few minutes. "Pipes?" she whispered carefully.

__

"Mhm?"

__

"You're not alone. I'm- I'm always here and I will make sure you're fine, I'm going to take good care of you and I won't let anything happen-" Alex said as she nervously ran her fingers through her black mane while making a vow to herself. She definitely was going to do everything she could to make Piper better.

__

Piper shifted her position, getting closer to Alex and hugged her tightly by the waist, resting her head on Alex's chest. "I know. Thank you, Al. Please don't go" Alex froze at the contact and fell silent. Her heart caught in her throat and her lungs stopped for a moment.

__

"I'm here, Pipes," she let out the breath she was holding and wrapped her right arm around Piper as her heart raced dangerously. Piper definitely was able to hear it from her position, but the feeling was indescribable and her heart fluttered wildly. "I love you." she whispered too quietly.

__


	2. Opinions

Alex didn't sleep. The first two hours, it was because she didn't want to move an inch and make Piper shift her position. She felt the need to turn around or stretch her back, but she didn't move in order to ensure Piper's rest. Then, when Piper turned around and curled, Alex finally stretched and yawned, she was tired but didn't feel like sleeping.

_"I've got cancer,"_ was on a loop in her mind. Whenever she closed her eyes, she focused on Piper's breathing and it made her feel better, but she imagined all sorts of terrible scenarios where Piper was really ill and died on her.

She got up as quietly as she could and momentarily blinded herself with her cellphone. It read 4:12 am, so she closed her eyes for a moment before heading out of Piper's room, walking tentatively slowly towards the kitchen on the floor below and ran into Cal, Piper's younger brother.

"Hey, Cal." Alex whispered tiredly as both walked down the stairs, apparently to the same room.

"Alex." He replied without any emotion.

When they reached the kitchen, Cal turned on the lights and went to open the refrigerator to retrieve a gallon of orange juice. "Want some?" he asked, turning to look at Alex with his small, shiny eyes.

"Yes, please, Cal, I'd love a glass of that." Alex replied, walking to the cupboard to get two glasses and put them on the counter.

Cal poured the juice carefully and emptied his glass in two seconds, as Alex took slow sips, enjoying the fresh taste of the cold juice.

"I was looking up that chemo thing," Cal suddenly burst out.

"I was about to do the same, kid." Alex took out her cellphone and began typing in her browser.

"Hold on, I'll bring my laptop," Cal smiled and turned around to leave the kitchen. Alex meekly returned the smile and went to sit at the table.

All the pages said the same things, explained what is chemotherapy and the side effects, and they all said that the treatment could or could not work.

Alex breathing began to rise and she felt nauseous just to read those things, luckily, Cal returned with his laptop and sat beside her, placing his computer on the table and then both began researching what to expect and how to help Piper.

They both felt a little bit better now about the whole thing but at the same time, the feeling of dread snaked dangerously inside of them.

"I'll go with Pipes tomorrow, I hope it's okay with your folks." Alex finally said when she glanced at the bottom right corner of Cal's laptop and noticed it was 6:15 am.

"You know they hate you, Alex," he replied as he stretched his back. "But I know Piper would want you there, so they're pretty much fucked." He stood up and closed his computer.

"I bet they are," Alex stood up and walked to the door.

"See you laaater, try to… try to sleep a bit," he said yawning.

"Mornin', try to sleep, too." Alex exited the kitchen and reached the second floor before Carol poked her head out of her room.

"Sorry, Mrs. Chapman, I went to get a glass of juice. Good morning." Alex said quickly and grabbed the doorknob of Piper's door room.

"It's okay, Alex." she sounded tired, but not mad as always. "Thank you." she mustered.

Alex eyes widened and she turned her head to look at Piper's mother with an astonished expression.

"What for?" she asked a little bit harsher than she intended before turning the doorknob silently.

"Just… thank you." she said hastily and disappeared behind her door.

//

"Would I be sick? What if I have a reaction to the medication? I don't want to be there alone, Alex!" Piper whispered quickly all of her doubts as she and Alex waited for the nurse to come.

Carol had an appointment with a psychologist so she couldn't make it to Piper's first chemotherapy, but Bill took the day off work to take Piper to the hospital, reluctantly taking Alex too.

When the doctor explained that Piper needed a caregiver next to her during the chemotherapy, Piper immediately asked her father if Alex could enter with her, instead of him and he didn't want to make a scene in front of the doctor so he agreed.

"Easy, kid," Alex winked, "I'll be here the whole time, don't worry," she lightly squeezed Piper's shoulder and took out her phone.

For some reason, those words really made Piper calm down until the nurse entered the waiting room. She signaled them to follow her to the test room, where Piper was visibly shaking at the thought of a needle poking her skin.

The nurse was slim and had short, blonde hair and warm eyes, she looked happy to be helping people and she was nice and kind.

When they entered the test room, she motioned for Piper to sit down on a chair with a long arm on the left side and introduced herself, "Good morning, my name is Erica Jones and I'll be your nurse. If there's anything you want or need, just let me know and I'll see what I can do, alright?"

"Yeah, thank you," Piper nodded politely, still visibly scared.

Erica was really careful and asked Piper to look somewhere else as she took the sample she needed with almost no pain.

The whole time, Piper fixed her gaze on Alex who was smiling reassuringly with her tired expression, making sure Piper didn't see what was going on in her left arm. When the nurse was done, Piper smiled too.

"We're done for now, Piper, I'll take this to the lab and then I'll take you to the infusion floor," Erica said as she pressed a cotton swab to Piper's arm and headed out of the room.

"See, kid? The first part wasn't that bad, was it?" Alex asked with raised eyebrows.

"Not too shabby, I guess," she pressed the cotton swab slightly to her arm and flinched. "Ouch, and have you changed your mind about the trip? I mean, come on, you have to go, don't worry about me. It's just a couple of weeks and then we can see each other ag-"

"Hey," Alex poked her hard in the arm "Shut up, now, kid. If I change my mind, which I won't, I'll let you know," she said seriously.

Nurse Erica returned and took them to the infusion floor, where they sat on the metal chairs in the hallway as another nurse took her vitals.

Once cleared, this nurse took them to the chemotherapy room where there was a recliner and a chair next to each other, a large flat-screen TV and Wi-Fi available, not to mention a comfy warm blanket ready to use on top of the recliner.

Alex was really nervous and felt pure fear at the sight, because everything was a hundred times more real. She feared she would break there, but she was fighting to keep the good mood, just to make Piper feel good because, Alex thought, that if she was feeling scared, Piper surely was terrified and it broke her heart.

Of course Piper was beyond terrified, she didn't even try to hide it but she didn't have the energy to cry either, so she just took a really deep breath and sat down on the recliner, swallowing the lump in her throat.

Alex sat down beside her, trying to figure out what to say. What could she possibly say to help her scared friend?

"I'm back, Piper," Nurse Erica announced as she entered the room, carrying a solution, a Microdrip I.V. set with drip chamber, cotton swabs, and different catheters.

Piper closed her eyes and took another deep breath as Erica explained all the procedure. Alex paid all of her attention to what she was saying because she wanted to know as much as she could, so she visualized what Erica said to try to remember every detail.

Piper, on the other hand, stopped listening. Her heart pounding loudly in her ears made it impossible and the rush of adrenaline freshly released to her bloodstream made her unable to focus on the words that came out of Erica's lips.

The skinny nurse placed the IV in place and began with saline solution through it as she fetched Piper's chemotherapy cocktail, pre-medications and test results.

Piper kept looking at the Microdrip, she watched carefully as each and every drop fell of the tip and into the IV, fully scared and trying to keep her emotions at bay.

Alex stood up and went to stand up next to Piper and played nervously with her blonde locks, trying to come up with something to say, to find a way of breaking this uncomfortable silence that had dropped between them.

"Thank you, Alex," Piper suddenly said, beating Alex to speak.

"Never mind, Chapman," Alex shrugged and sat on the arm of Piper's recliner "You owe me," she joked.

Nurse Erica entered with Piper's medications.

The time had come and Piper wasn't prepared for it, but acted really brave as Erica hanged her Chemo medication and started different IV's, waiting a few minutes beside Piper to check her vitals and make sure she didn't had a bad reaction to the medications.

When she made sure everything was okay, she smiled politely and told the girls again that she'll be there if they needed anything; both nodded and kept watching the new bags.

One of them had a bright pink liquid that mixed with the saline solution and created different hues of pink.

Suddenly, the trance was broken by Alex's phone. She looked at her screen and grumbled.

"Everything okay, Al?" Piper questioned quietly.

"Not quite, but fuck it, I'll call back later, don't you worry," she replied curtly, worry evident in her features.

After about an hour and a half later, Piper fell asleep.

Alex admired her for several minutes, unashamed; without interruption. She paid attention to Piper's rising chest as she took each breath and her heart hurt in that moment, because the most beautiful and amazing person she knew laid there, seemingly peacefully sleeping as the world around her changed forever.

And that thought alone put a heavy burden on Alex's chest.

She felt empty inside, knowing… feeling Piper's despair and not being able to do a single thing to help her overcome her own feelings. Her own monsters.

This awful thing… cancer... shouldn't happen to anyone. Especially Piper Chapman.

Alex's cellphone vibrated in her pocket and she rolled her eyes, knowing who it was again and the problems she'd face as soon as she arrived home.


	3. Chemotherapy

The faint scent of alcohol made Alex's insides churn. Fear took possession of her entire body, making the task of opening the front door lock almost impossible.

Finally, after two attempts, with sweaty palms and trembling hands, she managed to insert the key and turn the lock open.

Alex carefully closed the door behind her and looked at her phone. Sat, 13 May, 10:45 pm. She was completely fucked.

She was supposed to return home after the movie on Friday night, and as much as she had planned on not obeying that order, she thought she'd be here by Saturday morning, but that was before her whole world changed. _Their._

"Where were you?" he asked, as quietly as he could. Not getting up of the couch. A glass of whisky on one hand, and his cellphone on the other.

"I… I'm sorry, I was at the hospital," she swallowed thickly and attempted to go straight to her room, but no such luck.

"Why the fuck do I give you a cellphone if you're not going to fucking answer it whenever I call you? Huh?" he raised his voice dangerously, staring at the girl as he waited for a response.

Alex froze on her way to the staircase and sighed. Her arms still trembled but it was not only fear the feeling she had.

Anger was dangerous too, and she knew it, but she couldn't control herself, she was short-tempered and this had always brought problems, but she couldn't help it.

She took her cellphone out of her pocket and carelessly tossed it to the center table on the living room. "Take your fucking cell phone, then," Alex spat, standing straight, defiantly.

He was livid. As he was standing up, Alex knew she had trespassed the limit. She was tall and that helped her a lot with guys and in general, but he was even taller and twice as heavy.

_Desi Piscatella was a strong, large framed man, who was a good person, most of the time, but recently developed a taste for alcohol, after his partner died. He took Alex in when he found out about her mother._

_He was a good friend of Diane and Alex had known him since she was about 6. A lot of time before tragedy struck Desi and turned him into this sour, sad man._

_He used to be such a lovely guy, always making jokes and smiling kindly. He would help anyone who needed it and always offer comfort and good advice, he was sweet and passionate about his hobbies and his job and that's why his partner really loved him, he was one of those people that you can love without effort._

_But sometime ago, about one year ago to be exact, he was found dead right in his own house. The police never caught the murderer but it was clear that it was a hate crime. And now, here he was, getting drunk on a daily basis and failing to healthily cope with his loss, letting himself be that aggressive human being he despised so much… he was exactly the same as the murderer of his lover._

Alex tried to move but he was faster. One hard blow to her left was all it took to knock her out, considering his strength and although he was half drunk, he still was really strong.

All Alex heard was a muffled thud as his fist made contact with her cheekbone and her ears ringed unpleasantly even before she hit the ground.

《Out of the blue and right into the black.》

What Alex felt when she regained consciousness was instant, pounding pain going over her head, and that incessant ringing in her ears, aside from pure anger and a sense of revenge.

She was sure she lost consciousness mid-fall because she couldn't remember when she made contact with the floor, but her right arm was scraped and began bruising.

Something thick and sticky dripped from somewhere near her left ear, it was burning hot and numb.

Her face felt swollen and tender and Alex could feel the tears escaping her eyes without truce and it angered her to be "weak". But it was a harsh blow and it really hurt.

There would be no concealer enough to hide this in the morning and Piper would realize what happened and would worry about her and she couldn't let that happen.

"Look what you made me do, Alex!" Desi wailed as he kneeled down to help Alex up.

"Don't you fucking touch me again," Alex withdrawn her arm forcefully, making her head spin so she took her hand to her head and tried to stand up.

"I'm so sorry, but you gave me no choice," he took a deep breath to compose himself "You must understand that there are rules in this house and you have to live by them as long as you're in my guard," Piscatella said loudly in his annoying dictator voice.

"Fuck you," Alex replied, finally standing up. She took her backpack and headed to her room but she stood at the middle of the stairs and turned around.

"If my mother knew…" she swallowed the knot in her throat "Forget it, I won't be bothering you for long." Desi was speechless.

Alex entered her room and headed straight to her bed, she needed to sleep but apparently that was not going to happen because Desi was knocking softly on her door, trying to apologize, as always.

She couldn't face this now. It was always the same drama except Desi had never punched her so bad as tonight. She pondered the consequence of her idea.

Alex was planning to escape, but she knew that another beating would await for her as soon as she returned but she didn't want to stay here and anyway, she thought, she was badly beaten now, so it couldn't get any worse.

Could it?

//

"Hey, man. Are you home?" Alex asked through the payphone.

"Hey, kid. Sorry, nah. I'm with mother, why? Everything okay?" her friend Nicky replied tiredly.

"Oh, okay… yeah, everything's okay," Alex lied.

"So, I'll give you a call later, okay, my mother wants us to attend this… thing," Nicky trailed off.

"No, don't worry, I don't have my phone anymore, Nick, so I'll call you later, have fun in your… thing," Alex pondered if she should tell Nicky the truth, before hanging up abruptly. She didn't want to explain anything.

Nicky knew about the difficult situation with her guardian and had helped her several times before, letting her crash at her place, especially when she didn't want to be with Piper because she couldn't deal with her growing feelings for her blonde friend.

_"I can't bother Piper, I don't want her to worry about me,"_ she thought, so she pretty much didn't have somewhere to spend the night, it was almost midnight and she was wandering downtown.

Luckily it was not winter so it was not cold, but it was still chill, so she decided to walk all over to Piper's home and sat down on her porch, watching the clear sky and wondering if Piper was fast asleep, resting the tiring day.

-Flashback-

_After about 5 hours of chemo, nurse Erica returned to flush Piper's IV with saline solution before taking it off and monitoring her vitals again._

_Half hour later, she was clear to go home and Alex helped her to the car because she was feeling dizzy._

_She opened the door for her and helped her in, following her inside._

_"How did it go, honey?" Bill asked her sweetly with a worried expression._

_Piper just looked at him and nodded, not wanting to talk at all._

_"It was okay, Bill, but she's tired and she hasn't eaten, the nurse offered her lunch but she didn't want anything, so I guess she'll be hungry pretty soon, I hope," Alex told him flatly, giving him a look that told him to not ask right now._

_He nodded and smiled. "Rest, honey, I'll wake you up when we arrive home," he told her and revved the engine of his car, ready to return home._

_Piper leaned her head on Alex's shoulder, seeking a comfortable position and Alex placed her arm around Piper's shoulder to place her all over her lap._

_Piper smiled and looked at Alex before taking a deep breath and closing her eyes to try to sleep. Alex caressed her head and her forehead._

// 

_It was almost 5 o'clock in the afternoon when they finally arrived home and Alex gently woke Piper up._

_"We're here Pipes, wake up, sleepy head," she pulled a lock of her hair softly._

_Piper groaned and scrunched her nose before stretching a little and sat down._

_She immediately took her hands to her head because it was spinning, she felt sick and wanted to empty her already empty stomach._

_Alex caressed her back and offered her hand to help her get out, where Bill was waiting patiently for them._

_When Alex helped Piper out, Bill noticed she was dizzy and decided to carry her daughter all the way to the living room._

_Alex fetched a wastebasket and put it next to Piper on case she needed it._

_Cal came running from the kitchen to welcome her sister and Alex and sat down next to Piper, hugging her tightly._

_"Hey, Cal," Piper smiled tiredly._

_"Want something to eat, sis? I could try to make you Mac and cheese?" he joked._

_"That'd be nice, Cal," Piper replied quietly._

_"Okay, hold on," his brother said cheerfully as he went back to the kitchen._

_//_

_They spent the next three hours telling Bill and Cal the experience of the first chemotherapy when Carol arrived and greeted them briefly, asking her if it went okay._

_"Yes, mother, don't worry, you look tired, you should go to bed," Piper said sarcastically and Carol acted offended and actually wanted to go to her bedroom, feeling left out but at the same time relieved that she didn't have to hear the traumatizing experience._

_"Have a rest, Piper," she nodded at her daughter with glassy eyes, "Alex, I don't want to be rude, but I know they're expecting you home," she finished before turning around and disappearing through the stairs._

_The mood dropped notoriously after the event, so after a few minutes, Piper decided to go to bed and said goodnight to her father and her brother and Alex helped her up the stairs._

_When they entered her room, Piper locked the door and asked Alex for help._

_"Could you help me put my pajamas on?" she asked without an idea of what that meant to Alex._

_Alex swallowed, "Yeah," she replied and retrieved a fresh shirt and cotton pants from Piper's drawers._

_Piper raised both her arms for Alex to take off her shirt._

_Alex's heart stopped for a second before raising too much._

_She took the hem of her shirt and carefully lifted the shirt, slowly revealing Piper's bra. She swallowed nervously again and her pupils dilated dangerously._

_Piper was the most beautiful girl she had laid eyes on and watching her exposed like this was a sublime experience, even though it was in a totally different circumstance than she had imagined thousands of times before._

_She had seen Piper in her bra before, but she certainly had never took off her clothes, so her heart was relentlessly pounding against her ribcage, violently reminding her that she could never had this girl._

_She took a deep breath and put on the new shirt, trying to avoid Piper's look._

_Then, Piper laid down and began pulling down her pants, stopping mid-thigh waiting for Alex to take it off completely._

_By now, Alex's hands were trembling and she did her best to stop them, she was dying to caress that skin below her hands, but she knew it was inappropriate, hell, it was almost forbidden, so she took them off quickly and put on the pants, before putting her glasses on the top of her head._

_"There you go, Pipes," she said, her voice huskier than usual._

_"Thank you, Al," Piper said innocently. She didn't have a clue about the effect she had on her friend._

_"Good night, Chapman," Alex said trying to think about something else._

_"Could you stay here? Just until I fall asleep?" she turned around and patted the side of her bed "Please, Vause?" she finished with closed eyes._

_"Of course, sleepyhead," Alex laid down on her bed._

-End of flashback- 

About two hours later, she finally fell asleep, using her backpack as a pillow and her sweatshirt as a blanket, recalling every second of that night, the image of Piper's exposed, vulnerable body already etched on her memory. 


	4. Light with a sharpened edge

She knew this was coming, doctors and nurses had told her and she even ventured to read a bunch of medical articles. She was aware of the inevitable, but nothing could've prepared Piper for what she experienced when she massaged her scalp with shampoo and was left with a handful of blonde locks.

_Grieving_ and despondent, the blonde tried in vain to fight back the tears that were already escaping her azure eyes. It was stupid to think that something as _common_ as hair was _this_ important for the confidence of a human being.

Nobody stops to think about the little details, like this one. Perhaps, it didn't have to matter that much, because so many people battled with the same repercussions. Others chose to cut their hair for fun, and really, it's not something out of this world, but Piper figured that everyone would ogle her.

Somehow, the world seemed different now. Her world had changed forever. Hot water still cascading down her thinning body was not acknowledged now. Her body felt numb and Piper was reluctant to ever leave the strangely comforting solitude of her shower.

What was the point of fighting against this... monster? This disease that claimed so many lives? She might as well give in to this part of her. Maybe it would spare everyone a long suffering… if she slit her wrists or overdosed, they wouldn't have to watch her slowly decay to her untimely death.

Yeah,of course it was selfish, but who isn't selfish in those situations? All of her family and each and every friend would grief, and maybe rage, but it'd be fast.

Piper sat down on the cold tile floor, hugging her legs as she let her dripping hopelessness take over every corner of her lost mind. Fantasizing about tragedy was, as sick as it sounds, cathartic. She could just reach out for something sharp enough…

//

Alex climbed her way up to Piper's room, as usual. She expected to see her blonde friend sitting in bed, reading, or fast asleep, dreaming of other worlds. Maybe even watching some crappy TV show.

The last three weeks have been the same when it's not Chemo day: Alex climbs up early in the morning and spends all day locked up with Piper on her room, talking, drawing, arguing, laughing, fighting, reading and writing.

Piper tended to be easily annoyed by Alex's antics, and it took everything Alex had to keep her temper from raising. She knew Piper was dangerous when she was angry and Alex really tried to please her on every little thing she wanted. But sometimes, Piper was a downright bitch. There were no other words to adjectivize her, so, of course, Alex would snap and retort and whenever the brunette tried to angrily storm off, Piper simply wrapped her arms around her waist, from Alex's back.

And there were no words needed. Alex understood everything that Piper was going through with that little gesture and the quiet sobs that followed. So Alex would turn around and wrap Piper in a tight embrace until she felt better. Until she fell asleep, so Alex could climb back down to sleep on Piper's garage, or if she was lucky, Nicky's place.

Right now, Piper wasn't doing any of the usual, so Alex stood silently, trying to listen if she was outside, when she heard the water running and relaxed, taking a book from Piper's shelves and began to read, waiting for the blonde to finish her shower.

After twenty five minutes, Alex began feeling concerned, so she knocked softly on the bathroom door.

No response.

Alex's throat tightened and her heart beat furiously inside her ribcage when Piper failed to answer to her knocks. At first, they were soft and cautious, but they quickly turned to frantic pounding.

The lanky girl decided to force the door and she rummaged through Piper's bedroom, trying to find something useful for the task at hand. She found her friend's library card and jammed it desperately between the frame and the door, trying to unlock the door. After a couple of tries, she did it and rushed inside.

Piper was still sitting on the floor, her skin was red from all the hot water and her eyes were fixed on something past Alex that she couldn't see. The brunette swallowed thickly and immediately turned off the tap.

Piper didn't move, didn't react, her legs were tucked to her chest and Alex gently shook her shoulder. "Pipes?" Unresponsive.

Alex grabbed a fresh towel from the shelve and sat down next to her friend, covering her with the towel and wrapping her arm protectively around her shoulder, before squatting in front of Piper and covering her in a warm, shaky embrace.

"God, Piper" Alex choked, "You really scared me, kid," she mumbled.

At least fifteen more minutes passed and Alex's legs were killing her, but she refused to move. It was when she felt Piper shaking violently with cold that she spoke again.

"Come on, Pipes, we need to get you warm, you cannot get sick, come on," Alex tenderly spoke to her broken friend.

Piper suddenly turned her head upwards to meet Alex's eyes, seeking for something… anything and there it was on Alex's eyes. Love. The brunette smiled softly at her friend and helped her up.

She took Piper to her bed and proceeded to dry her up before gently putting on panties and bra. Alex felt relieved after being scared to death, so her muscles were shaking uncontrollably due to all the adrenaline that was released to her bloodflow.

"Is it okay if I finish dressing you in a bit?" she questioned panting slightly. Piper nodded.

Alex lied down next to Piper, facing upwards and taking deep breaths and blinking rapidly to try to avoid crying. Not now, not in front of her. Piper turned around and wrapped her arm around Alex's waist, burying her head on her friend's neck.

Alex moved Piper a bit to hug her and leaned in closer to her friend's barely-there touch on her neck. "I'm sorry," the blonde whispered.

"I know," Alex breathed.

"..."

"..."

"It's my hair… it's already falling off," Piper finally confessed with pain in her voice and Alex's heart broke into a million pieces for the nth occasion.

//

This was one of those rare good days for Piper. She was nausea-free and her state of mind was somewhat relaxed. She was totally getting used to the sensation of the medications running through her veins and the day was warm and sunny.

Alex hadn't been to her chemotherapy appointments with her because her mother had insisted it was her duty. And Piper thanked her, really, but she would rather be with Alex because she was funny and always made her feel better. Her mother, on the other hand, was always sulky and trying to avoid conversation with her daughter whenever she started talking about death.

Carol would always excuse herself for a bit and went to silently cry in the bathroom, while stealthily sipping whatever her choice of poison was that particular day. So Piper had made a new friend, named Sophie.

Strangely, but luckily enough, they shared the same chemotherapy schedule, so they would always chat and banter. It was easy for Piper to get along with her, and lately she'd piss off her mother so she could have some alone time with her new friend. They got along easily and started to know more about each other.

Sophie had dark-red hair, pale skin and rosy cheeks that were losing its crimson color little by little. She reminded Piper of Alex, because she had that kind of badass vibe, but Sophie was always flirting with Piper, casually inserting soft innuendos into everything Piper said.

And Piper enjoyed that kind of attention because if she was honest, she had liked Sophie since the moment she laid eyes on her, with her tight blue jeans and a ripped The Who shirt, and an attitude that was only matched with the one of her raven haired friend.

"You know, Piper?" she'd frequently say, "You'll be my girlfriend someday," and she'd wink seductively before bursting into laughter upon seeing Piper's range of expressions, from surprise to annoyment. Sophie enjoyed the blonde's company, because her caregiver was her big brother who had only been with her on the first chemo because he declared that sick people made him depressed and he wouldn't be able to take it, so he would take Sophie in and wait the whole 5+ hours outside or in the nearby café.

So, Sophie was almost always on her own, listening to music on her headphones on full volume and playing air drums while making funny faces or pretending to direct an orchestra, anything necessary to make Piper laugh. And she managed to do it, a lot.

Sophie had dropped out of high school because she said she was not cut out for that crap, and she dedicated her time to skating. That was what she wanted to do professionally. She had a youtube channel with a few good videos about different tricks she could do. And this made Piper curious to know more about this force of nature. The same way she'd been always curious about Alex, she was interested on knowing more about Sophie.

On Piper's bad chemo days, she'd just sit beside the blonde and pout sarcastically. If Piper got angry, Sophie would just shrug and walk away calmly, only to return half an hour later to sit beside Piper again and stare at her in total silence until Piper snapped and she would take advantage of it by casually taking her hands. Luckily, their chemotherapy bags were hung in carriers with wheels so they were able to walk from here to there as they pleased, as long as they didn't cause any trouble.

"You've got no chill, Piper," she'd say and walk away again until Piper was the one who looked for her. That's when she'd smirk in a smug way and make Piper talk about any stupid topic she'd had in mind or make her ride her skateboard for a little bit, inside Sophie's hospital room, before both got caught and were told that it was prohibited. They'd laugh it off and continued talking until Piper needed to go, and Sophie remained there.

The redhead girl wore beanies all the time, she had like fifty different models because she loved them so much, and as she pointed out to Piper today, "They'll actually be useful now, don't you think?" She shrugged as Piper debated between crying and laughter.

"I guess they are," Piper mock-pouted adoringly, batting her eyelashes for added effect.

Sophie bit the inside of her lip, trying to hold her laughter but failed when Piper looked offended at her attempt.

"Oh gosh, Piper, you're too cute, you know that?" The red-headed blurted out, locking her eyes with the blonde's and leaning in slowly.

Piper shook her head slightly and a charming shade of pink adorned her cheeks as she kept still, watching Sophie getting closer and closer, until their lips collided and Piper froze, her eyes still open in shock at what was actually happening.

She tried to swallow and remembered that you're supposed to close your eyes when somebody kisses you, so she did, and returned the kiss, slowly.

Kissing someone feels nice; it's a pleasant sensation and Piper was buzzing with energy. Kissing Sophie made sense in that moment, and she gave in to the experience of another pair of lips over hers.

She suddenly thought about what Alex would do, and Piper wondered what her raven haired friend would say to her about this particular experience. Somehow, Alex's opinion was very important to her, so she wasn't enjoying the kiss that much because she was thinking about her best friend and her signature raised brow.

Sophie broke the kiss when they needed air and cupped Piper's cheek with her IV-free hand. "You're very beautiful, Piper," she panted with gruff voice.

"My hair's already falling out, so, I won't be," Piper blurted, her mind traveled back to the day that Alex pulled her out of her dark corner and it must have shown on her features because Sophie kissed her again, to make her feel better.

And Piper felt better, because Sophie was nice and funny and interested in her, but also because she remembered how Alex had been there for her, and how understanding she had been. The way her green eyes glowed with worry and how protected she felt whenever her friend hugged her.

"Here," the red-head took off her gray beanie and put it on Piper's thinning hair.

"You look so much better on it than me," she smiled, making Piper smile too.

"Piper, they're ready to take out your IV," Carol's voice startled her, so she waved goodbye to Sophie and smiled all the way back to her room.

//

As soon as they arrived home, Piper lied down on her bed, already tired, a small smile was still plastered on her face when Alex climbed up.

"Hey, kid," Alex greeted her with her sultry voice, strangely wearing a baseball cap Piper had never seen before.

Piper smiled to her friend, brow furrowed, "What's with the cap, Al?" she questioned her friend as she entered completely.

"Oh, you know… it's to cover my new look," the brunette replied, shrugging.

"What? Why?" Piper sat down on her bed, trying to see what her friend meant.

"Well, you see…" Alex began taking off her cap, "My best friend is starting to lose her hair, so I lost mine so she feels better," she finished, blushing a little.

Piper's eyes widened in horror. Alex's black mane was gone and in front of her was a girl with emerald eyes and a pixie cut. The blonde shook her head embarrassed.

"Alex!" she whisper screamed, "You didn't have to do that!" Piper replied as her throat tightened at the thought of the incredible gesture her friend had done for her. For a reason unknown to her, she thought about Sophie and the beanie she'd given her and how she'd thought it was so sweet of her, but somehow, this was so much better.

"Don't worry, kid. We'll grow it again soon," she said nonchalantly as Piper laid down again, she tried to change the subject, so she quickly added, "How was it, Pipes," she asked in her deep, raspy voice. Sitting down on the blonde's bed and tossing her backpack to the side.

"It was…" she began as she propped herself on her elbows, "...pleasant." she smiled softly.

Alex raised her signature eyebrow at that and chuckled gravelly, "What do you mean, pleasant?" she lied down by Piper's feet.

"Sophie kissed me," she blurted out, avoiding Alex's eyes completely for some reason.

Alex's insides felt like suddenly drenched by a bucket full of ice and she froze. "Oh?" the only word that came out of her trembling lips.

"Yeah, she did… and it was..." Piper looked up to the ceiling, "nice, Al."

Alex felt her breath become shallow and her heart pounded in her ears at the jealousy she was experiencing.

She had felt it before with the asshole of Larry, Piper's ex-boyfriend from school, and yeah, it was a bitch and all, but she managed to stay sane and by her side through all of it. But right now she felt wrecked because, obviously, she knew who Sophie was.

And Sophie was a girl.


	5. Destroy me

> "You see, it's never bad enough to just leave or give up, but it's never good enough to feel right."  
> This photograph is proof /Taking Back Sunday 

"I'm actually happy to see you, Alex. How- how are you?" Desi asked in a concerned voice and with an astonished look when he noticed her short hair, which made Alex flinch because she suddenly remembered that this man in front of her had been really kind to her before. He gave her a house, food, clothes and an education that Alex didn't even want.

The past weeks, Desi had been worried about Alex but he knew better than to tell the police because he'd be in trouble, and besides, he knew that Alex could take care of herself, but he really missed her because she was the only person who would listen to him, and he genuinely loved his friend Diane and he promised he'd take care of her daughter. But so far he'd only managed to make her go away, so he was waiting for Alex to eventually return, to try to make things right.

"I- I'm…" Alex took a deep breath, trying to calm herself after running all the way from Piper's house, she bent down and put her hands on her knees, closing her eyes for a moment.

Her mind was racing and she couldn't forget Piper's words: _"Sophie kissed me… and it was… nice, Al."_ They were making her head spin and her eyes still threatened to free unshed tears. She didn't like feeling vulnerable in front of anyone, but she was so close to losing it.

Desi approached her and put his hand on Alex's back, perfectly understanding the brunette, so he didn't push her and instead walked to the kitchen, "Go freshen up, whenever you're ready we'll have dinner."

Alex was glad that Desi was in some ways very similar to her, so she bolted to her room and closed the door behind her, taking a sharp breath that finally gave way to the tears. With restrained sobs and clenched fists, Alex reached her shower and let the water flow while she undressed slowly, taking her glasses off first and tossing her clothes on the floor. She reached her iPod dock just outside her bathroom on top of her drawers and turned it on, selecting the song she wanted to hear and turning the volume all the way up before returning to the shower to get in.

She let the hot water cascade through her body as she cried in silence, biting her knuckles to stop any noise coming from her throat. Her wet hair stuck to her face as she leaned into the cold tile wall and closed her eyes, lifting her head to face the ceiling. She could clearly picture two roads splitting up from here.

She stays with Piper knowing anything could happen with Sophie and she tries to help her with her first possible _girlfriend._ Even if that meant sheer, terrified agony on her own part.

The other road was even worst to Alex's eyes: trying to distance herself from her best friend. There was actually a third road but Alex didn't acknowledge it at that point because she was really scared of what could happen if she revealed her feelings for Piper at a time like this.

But she made a promise to Piper to stay for her, especially now that the blonde needed her support, attention, and love. Even if she hadn't promised her, Alex knew she could never leave her friend because she represented the best part of her life and the love she felt for her was bigger than anything else at the moment.

Leaving Piper alone was like taking a sharp razor and slowly eviscerating herself. She just couldn't live without her, so she decided to be there, to be a good **friend.** She'd rather destroy herself in the process than put Piper through any kind of pain.

When the hot water started to actually burn her skin, she turned it off and turned on the cold water to quickly shower.

//

Piper tried to understand what could possibly had made Alex bolt so quickly after she told her about her day at chemo. Could it be that Alex was jealous?

Maybe she thought that Piper having something with Sophie meant that she wouldn't spend time with her and it made her jealous and sad?

Was it possible that Alex didn't like Sophie? What if Alex actually liked Sophie?

"Ugh, what's wrong, Alex?" she whispered to her pillow, trying to stop the nausea that was slowly invading her. She needed Alex lying beside her at night to get to sleep. She didn't realize the reason behind her feelings of missing Alex too much, but she knew that whenever Alex was around, she felt safe and happy.

Piper had to get out of bed to reach her bucket before the insides of her stomach were emptied. Retching, she felt the muscles in her digestive system burn and her eyes watered. She felt drained and only wanted to sleep but after brushing her teeth and washing her face, she tossed and turned in her bed, unable to sleep.

She knew that Alex didn't have her cellphone with her but she decided to text her anyway. When she grabbed her phone from her nightstand, she noticed she already had a text and her disappointment was evident when she read that it was from Sophie.

 _Sophie: Hey, I just wanted to say good night, gorgeous. :)_  
She dismissed the text and quickly typed:

_Piper: Al, I'm not sure if I did something wrong. You're probably not going to read this anyway, but I'm sorry. I miss you, I wish you were here._

Piper sighed and replied to Sophie.

_Piper: Hi, thanks, good night to you too. See you on Monday. X_

She grabbed the book Alex had been reading to her to try to distract herself but the words seemed meaningless. She had to read the same paragraph over and over again to understand it because whenever she read it, her mind drifted to Alex and what she could possibly be doing on this Saturday night.

Suddenly, her phone vibrated and Piper instantly checked it, only to see it was another text from Sophie.

_Sophie: I'm not sure I can wait until then…_

Piper smiled in spite of herself and felt giddy because it has been a while since anybody flirted with her, and she enjoyed her attention, but she didn't know what to say because she was sure her parents wouldn't let her out of her house, so she put her phone down and leaned her head on her headboard.

Around 4 o'clock in the morning, Piper realized that she wouldn't be sleeping that night, so she got up and walked slowly to the kitchen to grab a glass of orange juice. She was drinking it and a sudden and violent pain in her lower back attacked her, making her drop the glass and bend over, falling to the ground with a piercing scream.

//

Cal was playing Grand Theft Auto on his room when he heard her sister screaming, so he ran outside of his room alarmed.

"Piper? What's wrong?!" He yelled as he ran through the stairs, jumping two at a time to reach her sister quickly.

When he entered the kitchen, he saw her sister lying on the floor, clutching her back with one hand, with her knees flexed to her chin and a face of absolute pain.

"Hold on, sis," he mumbled and ran to get the phone to dial 911 when their parents rushed to their daughter, obviously half-asleep and terrified.

An ambulance arrived at her house 10 minutes later and Piper was barely conscious. The pain was so intense that she wanted to pass out because nothing had ever felt like this and she felt nauseous and dizzy. Her right side burned and hurt like she had been stabbed with a hot blade.

The EMD put an IV and questioned her parents before taking her to the hospital. Piper wasn't totally aware of what was happening because at some point she fainted and woke up feeling cold and still dizzy. The pain was still there, but it wasn't as bad as it was a few minutes ago.

She opened her eyes and noticed her mother sitting beside her inside the ambulance and she was surprised, but she couldn't think about anything but Alex. Alex didn't know she was going to the hospital. Alex had no idea.

She tried to tell her mother but the EMD had injected a narcotic through her IV, which was starting to take effect and she felt really drowsy.

//

Alex went with Piscatella to grab a pizza at a nearby restaurant and they talked for the first time in weeks. The brunette told him about Piper and her therapies, how she wanted to make sure everything was okay, the hardest decision she had to make when she cut her hair just to make her best friend feel better and how she was really mad at him for the way he reacted that night.

Piscatella looked half-mad, half-ashamed and didn't say a word but the muscles on her chin were flexing. He understood what she was saying but he was still angry at Alex for not even texting him about that. He would've understood the situation, he told her eventually.

"No, you wouldn't have because you were drinking every fucking day!" Alex raised her voice and swallowed hard before taking a deep breath to try to calm herself because she knew it would piss him off again, so she looked at him and apologized, "I'm… I'm sorry, okay? I'm just so worried about her," her voice cracking.

"Here," he suddenly told her as he handed her her phone. He signaled the waiter for the check, before turning to his step-daughter. "I'm sorry too," he muttered before turning to the waiter.

Alex immediately turned on her phone, feeling somewhat happy that she was able to talk to Piper, the only thing she wanted to do was call her best friend to let her know that she had her phone back, but she remembered about that kiss and felt her heart sink, so she hastily put her phone on her jacket pocket.

She sighed and tried not to imagine anyone kissing Piper, but she failed because she started wondering where it happened and how and if Piper was reluctant at first or if she kissed her properly and it was destroying her so she excused herself and ran outside of the restaurant to try to breathe properly.

Desi followed her and asked her if everything was okay because it was evident that it was not, but Alex just nodded and swallowed the lump in her throat before announcing in a hoarse voice that she was going to visit Nicky. Piscatella wasn't happy but she promised to return home so he let her.

//

"Fuck, Vause… you look like shit!" Nicky breathed as soon as she opened her bedroom window to let her friend in.

"Gee, thanks, it's nice to see you too, asshole," Alex tried to smile but it looked more like a grimace. She plopped down on her friend's bed, face first.

"What the fuck happened to your hair?" I haven't seen it that short in… I have never seen it short, how-? What-…?" Nicky was at a loss for words at the sight in front of her. Saying she was surprised would be the understatement of the year.

Alex's muffled grunt was the only response she got. Nicky knew it was best to let her friend talk when she felt like doing it, so she sat down on the floor, beside her bed and lit up a joint. She started smoking slowly. "Want a hit?" she asked just for asking because she knew Alex never refused a joint.

The brunette sat down beside Nicky and took the joint, but her eyes were bloodshot before smoking. Nicky noticed it but didn't say anything, she just put her arm around her friend's shoulders and gave it a little squeeze.

They smoked in silence until the joint was over so Nicky stood up to get a couple of beers. She tossed Alex one and sat down. The taller girl opened her beer and took a long sip before putting the bottle down on the floor and turning to look Nicky in the eye.

"I'm fucked," she choked up.

//

Piper woke up several hours later, feeling groggy and confused. She slowly opened her eyes and realized she was in the hospital, it was too familiar to not recognize it by now. She closed her eyes and remembered what happened earlier. She wasn't in pain anymore but she was worried because surely that wasn't normal. She looked to the wall clock and noticed it was almost 9 am.

Carol noticed her daughter was awake and ran to her side, taking her hand between hers, a worried look on her face. "Piper, how are you feeling?" she asked her daughter in a shrill voice.

Piper was taken aback by her mother's attitude but she was grateful that she was okay and especially, not alone. "I'm better, thanks, where's-" Carol cut her off with a wave of her hand and sternly said "Don't worry, everybody is okay, your father will come tomorrow after work and I'm staying here until then," she finished, sitting down on the chair next to Piper's bed.

Piper hadn't even thought about that, she wanted to ask about Alex but she knew her mother would be pissed so she changed her question, "Where's Doctor Healy? I want to talk to him, he needs to know about-" Carol cut her off again. "Piper Elizabeth Chapman, calm down. Everything will be okay, another doctor is seeing you right now, you'll have to wait to talk to him."

Piper didn't feel like fighting with her mother so she nodded and kept quiet, trying to fall asleep again to pass the time because she didn't know what to say to her mother, she needed Alex to know she was here, she needed Alex to come and take care of her. Alex knew how to make her feel better, Alex _knew her._

After what seemed like forever, nurse Morello gave Piper her pain medications and she finally dozed off to a dreamless sleep.

//

Around 9 am, Alex thought it was time to head back home, they had talked for hours. Alex was honest with Nicky and after a couple of beers and a lot of weed, she confessed she was deeply, irrevocably in love with her best friend, to which Nicky joked that she always knew Alex wanted her but she could never be her girlfriend because they knew too much about the other.

Alex finally laughed when Nicky joked about that, but it only stung more in her chest because she had to tell her crazy haired friend about the _other girl_ and how she cut her hair to make Piper feel better just to find out that she was okay wearing that stupid fucking beanie.

Nicky felt sad for her friend, but she told her that the best thing she could do was confess her feelings to the blonde. Needless to say, Alex was adamant on her decision to **not** expose herself like that just to have her chest ripped wide open and her heart shattered into a thousand pieces.

They both agreed that the "noble" thing to do was support Piper through this and hope for the worst, Nicky figured that the outcome of that possible relationship could be an indicator to Alex: if Piper realized she wasn't really attracted to girls, Alex would have to forget her, but if she was really comfortable with the issue, then it was Alex's time to act.

So after the matter was settled, they fell asleep on Nicky's bed, and now Alex stood up and said goodbye to Nicky and climbed off her window to walk home. The fresh air felt good in the chill morning, but she didn't want to catch a cold, so she put on her jacket and reached for her cigarettes on her pocket but felt her phone vibrating.

Desi just called her but her heart raced uncontrollably and an unpleasant flutter took hold of her stomach when she noticed all the lost calls she had from Cal.

With shaking hands, she dialed Cal's number, trying to steady her sudden shallow breathing.

"Pick up, pick up, come on." Alex was pacing, waiting for him to answer the phone.

"Alex, finally," Cal sounded really sleepy and tired, "What happened?!" Alex practically yelled at the phone, desperate to know if Piper was okay.

"Piper's in the hospital, something happened to her around 4 o'clock and the ambulance came and I don't know how she's doing, I haven't talked to my mother yet, so I can't-" Alex didn't let him finish what he was going to say because she was already running to the hospital.


	6. Not the way I need you

> "I just want you to fucking wreck me  
> I want you to wreck me  
> I want you to ruin me."  
> Little girls pointing and laughing/Alexisonfire.

"...So, to make it all clear and short, the chemotherapy had damaged your kidneys, causing Acute Renal Insufficiency, but don't worry, you're under the correct treatment now, so it should be reversible, but you definitely will have to spend several days in here and obviously, the chemotherapy treatment must be changed. Do you have any doubts?" Doctor Healy explains and asks Piper and Carol.

"Yes, uhm… the- the new chemotherapy will be safe?" Piper swallows and asks groggily, apprehensively eyeing her mother who appears to be speechless.

"We can't be a hundred percent sure, but we have to try... " he sighs, looking tired "We'll take new blood samples and make sure you're fine before starting the new therapeutic plan, as for your kidneys…" he keeps explaining the whole situation to them, but as much as Piper tries to pay attention, her mind feels foggy and her eyelids might as well weight a thousand pounds because of the medication, so she inevitably gives in to blissful sleep again.

Her subconscious makes her mind dream about "Sophie", except that the girl in her dream, the one that kisses her and holds her tenderly isn't the real Sophie, it's a weird mix between the girl and Alex, her best friend, so, when she's kissing Piper without abandon, the feelings she has are exponentially more intense and she can't figure out why. But she's certain that something's wrong. Because she enjoys this dream more than the real kiss Sophie gave her.

//

Minutes feel like hours for Alex, who is currently pacing around the front doors of the hospital, waiting to know what happened to her best friend.

She reads Piper's text over and over, feeling increasingly guilty. If she didn't get high and slightly drunk with Nicky, she would've read it on time and possibly spent the rest of the night with the blonde.

Alex feels painfully guilty because had she not run off, she could've taken care of Piper. Her throat narrows dangerously as her eyes sting. _"She may die,"_ her mind whispers cruelly, and Alex feels her world shatter completely because there's no possible scenario in which she can survive without her.

"Alex?" Carol tentatively asks from far behind the brunette, who turns around quickly.

"Mrs. Chapman! How's Piper? What happened?" Alex asks frantically while striding to where Carol is standing near a narrow hallway to the right of the information desk.

Carol reluctantly explains the recent events and the things the doctor explained to Alex, encouraging her to go home for a while because her daughter is asleep and she can't have visitors yet.

"Sorry, Alex. Just family for now," she finishes and she apologizes before entering her daughter's room again, leaving Alex standing dumbly outside, feeling even worse. Her mind is spinning uncontrollably towards self destruction.

Piper opens her eyes as the light of day starts to fade into darkness, making the sky different shades of purple and orange filtering through the semi-open blinds of her hospital room. She scans her surroundings to find herself alone.

The blonde sighs and looks around for her cellphone. It's not there so she groans in frustration and presses the little button on the side of her bed to call the nurse and waits there, lying uncomfortably. Her mind wanders to Alex again, suddenly remembering her dream and she blushes involuntarily, wondering if it's just that Sophie reminds her vaguely of her best friend or if she actually wants to kiss Alex.

The mere thought makes her gasp and her heart flutters unexpectedly. She takes a deep breath, trying to calm down and think rationally. 

Lies.

Piper tells herself that the reason that she just wants to let Alex know where is she and that she's okay is only because she's her best friend. And, okay, she misses her, but who doesn't miss their best friend?

Her thoughts are interrupted by the young nurse with short, slightly curly hair and bright red lips she knows as Morello. She couldn't be much older than Piper and yet here she is working tirelessly. "Hello, Piper, how are you feeling? Are you still in pain?" she asks sweetly.

Piper shakes her head and sighs before asking nurse Morello if her mother was still somewhere near. "Yes, sweetie, she's just by the nurse station, talking to your doctor, I'll go get her. Do you need anything else?" she finishes, eyeing Piper curiously.

"Uhm, I'd like a drink of water, please?" The blonde says shyly and nurse Morello just winks and nods before turning on her heels and walking out of her room.

A couple of minutes later, her mother re-enters quickly and asks her daughter if she's feeling ill again. Piper denies it and thanks her for being here. Carol scoffs and replies that it's something one would do for their daughter, which leaves Piper speechless because Carol never seemed to care about her or any of her children for that matter. The older woman gives Piper a glass of water and she drinks it with desperation.

She eventually voices her request and her mother purses her lips before taking the blonde's cellphone from her purse and handing it over to her daughter.

The blonde girl immediately checks if she has missed calls or texts from Alex and relief washes over her when she notices that she effectively has.

_Alex: Pipes I'm so sorry I wasn't there to take care of you. I feel like shit, I went to the hospital but they wouldn't let me visit. I hope you can forgive me. Please tell me you're doing better now. I love you so much, dumbass._

After reading the text, Piper feels like floating. Her whole condition suddenly forgotten because Alex doesn't hate her and apparently she has forgiven her about whatever made her leave yesterday.

She's smiling like an idiot when Carol announces that she'll stay the night with her. Piper doesn't even care as she's quickly replying to the brunette.

//

Alex arrived home after her unsuccessful visit to the hospital and was glad that Desi was out working. Being on vacation gives Alex all the time in the world to wallow in self pity and destructive thoughts.

She tries to calm herself with a joint but it makes her paranoid and she ends up throwing up on her sink because she couldn't reach her toilet. Shivering and crying she can't stop thinking about Piper and her feelings towards her. She wants so desperately to confess everything to her but she thinks that it would affect their friendship and fears Piper's reaction.

What if Piper does what she does best? What if Piper denies the situation and acts as if nothing's different? What if she doesn't acknowledge Alex's feelings and pretends that nothing happens? Or if she actually does and ends up hating her for ruining the amazing friendship they have.

Either way, Alex fucked up for falling in love with her _straight_ best friend.

She sends Piper a text, hoping the blonde doesn't hate her for not being there with her the night she needed her most.

The brunette feels desperate by 6PM and decides to go to the hospital. She knows it's futile but she can't find anything else to put her mind at ease.

When she arrives at the hospital, she decides to sit down on one of the benches outside the building, lighting up a cigarette while she thinks how to proceed. Her cellphone vibrates in her pocket and she takes it out immediately.

_Piper: There's nothing to forgive you. I really wish you were here. Carol won't stop talking about every single gossip she knows and I'm dizzy just listening to her. I asked and you can visit tomorrow after 9AM. I love you, too, asshole._

Relief and happiness wash through Alex as she reads the text, smiling from ear to ear an idea pops into her head and she types a reply quickly.

"I don't know, mom. I haven't talked with her in a long time… We were friends in middle school! How could I know if she's really pregnant?" Piper asks her mother hastily.

"Well, you could talk to her, you know? Sarah is a nice girl. I liked her better than Alex," Carol states nonchalantly and when she notices the look of rage emanating from her daughter she adds, "...although I must say that she's being a really good friend." She finishes before Piper can bite her head off.

The blonde takes a deep breath and before she can answer her mother, her phone chimes, signaling a text.

_Alex: Nonsense. Make sure Carol goes somewhere else for a few minutes and let me know when you're alone._

Piper laughs out loud and wonders if Alex is serious. She figures that Alex will call her as soon as she gets Carol out of earshot and she really wants to hear her voice, so she thinks what to say.

"Hey, mom?" she asks in an exaggeratedly sweet voice.

Carol raises her eyebrows questioningly. "You haven't eaten, why don't you go and have dinner… and maybe bring me an orange juice?" she asks innocently.

Her mother narrows her eyes and stares directly into her daughter's eyes before sighing and telling her that she's right but she'll have to ask the nurse if she can drink orange juice instead of the water she brought earlier. Piper thanks her and as soon as Carol leaves the room, she texts Alex that she can call now, coast is clear.

But four minutes pass and Alex doesn't ring, so, with creased brow, Piper calls her best friend.

//

After sending Piper the text asking her to let her know when she was alone, Alex makes her way to the inside of the hospital, entering through a door reading "Employees only" right behind a doctor.

She has been in this hospital several times before with Piper and knows the way to almost everything on the first and second floor, so she rushes up the emergency stairs to her left and goes up to the second floor, to the on-call room, where the nurses keep their belongings and after checking if the room's empty, she grabs the first pair of scrubs she finds and locks herself inside to change, leaving her own clothes folded under one of the beds. Her cellphone rings, still inside her pants pocket but she ignores it.

The scrubs don't fit at all, they're too small for her but she doesn't care. Alex heads out and ties her hair in a ponytail before speed-walking to the stairs again, to the first floor.

She reaches Piper's room breathless and takes a second to catch her breath before opening the door, entering and closing it behind her.

"Wha-" Piper's eyes widen when she lifts her head from her cellphone.

"Hey," Alex breathes, suddenly unable to move from where she's awkwardly standing. Every ounce of determination she had just a second before had vanish the moment her eyes locked with Piper's blue ones.

Piper tries to stand up from her bed on instinct, to reach her friend and this is what makes Alex snap out of her thoughts and finally walk to reach the blonde, she takes four steps to reach the bed and leans down.

The taller girl wraps her arms around the thin frame of her friend, hugging her tightly as if her life depended on it, one hand travels to the back of Piper's head and the other stays firmly on her lower back, holding her as she had never done before.

Piper wants to cry because she didn't realize just how much she wanted Alex to hug her. She hugs her friend back, fisting the back of Alex's shirt, pressing herself further into her and Piper sighs because she has never realized how _safe_ Alex makes her feel.

They don't need words to express what the hug conveys, so they fall into a comfortable silence, arms wrapped tightly around each other for several minutes.

Alex revels in Piper's smell and the way her body seems to fit perfectly under hers, she nuzzles her head closer to her friend's neck and places a tiny kiss on the little skin she can reach. Her heart is beating so fast and so hard that there's no way Piper doesn't feel it on her own chest, but she doesn't care because she was so afraid of losing her.

The younger girl is suddenly petrified because she wants so desperately to kiss Alex. Her heart races and her face feels hot but her eyes are stinging and she starts to cry because she feels like a little girl who fears the doctor and Alex is there protecting her from everything and everyone, so she feels the need to tell her in a breathy, shaky voice:

"Thank you, Al… I really needed you." The brunette barely heard her, but when her brain processes what she said, Alex has to swallow hard her emotions and her mind that wants to reply, _"Just not the way I need you, Pipes."_

"I needed to see you too, dummy. I was so fucking worried," she murmurs against Piper's neck, making the blonde tickle and a tiny giggle escapes her lips at the surprisingly pleasant sensation.

Piper feels something building in her lower abdomen, a sensation she has never experienced before, it's like a lightning bolt that is born just below her navel and travels all the way down to the apex of her legs, leaving her speechless and nervous.

She has to swallow thickly and takes a deep, shaky breath before blurting out what has been in her mind since the moment she woke up earlier.

"I had a dream where I kissed you." Alex stiffens when she hears that confession, unable to think of what to say to that because there's nothing she'd like more but before anything else can be said, they are forced to let go of the other when the door suddenly opens to reveal a shocked Carol Chapman.


	7. Resolutions

> "And I forget how to move  
> When my mouth is this dry  
> And my eyes are bursting hearts  
> In a blood-stained sky."  
> The Cure/ Homesick

They are forced to separate and Alex profusely apologizes to an angry Carol Chapman, before turning around one last time to shoot a meaningful glance at a blushing Piper, who is rubbing the back of her neck with her left hand, trying to ignore her mother's death glare.

She feels her heart pounding furiously on her throat, that all of a sudden feels constricted with unspoken words. Alex notices, of course she does, and she tries to not think about the implications behind everything because hope is a dangerous thing.

What is it to do when you have never had anything you wanted? Alex knows better than to hope Piper feels the same way about her… so she returns to the on-call room, to put her clothes back on as her contradicted mind wanders to minutes ago, when she had the blonde firmly wrapped between her arms. All she can think about is how sweetly Piper smelled, how _perfectly_ well she seemed to fit right beside her and how she fell more in love with her best friend when she stepped foot on that hospital room and saw her. _Broken,_ weak and -possibly- _dying._

Alex finishes getting dressed and hastily puts on her earbuds, pressing play on her cellphone and turning up the volume as she gets out of the hospital, fighting the urge to sent Piper a text with useless repetitions of _"there's no uses"_ and _"this can waits"_ that fail to put her at ease.

She starts to run because there's nothing else she can do. She runs as fast as she can, without a conscious destination in mind, until her lungs burn from the lack of oxygen and the muscles in her legs scream in pain, but still, she keeps running. Maybe if she can't breathe properly, she'll faint and every possibility seems better that her swirling thoughts.

Alex loves Piper so much it hurts. Because 'Love is Pain' and life's a bitch at times like this, for the first chords of this fucking song make Alex laugh in irony. Her laughter faltering because of the lump forming in her throat as Robert Smith's words pierce through her.

_'It was the sweetness of your skin_  
It was the hope of all we might have been  
That fills me with the hope to wish  
Impossible things'. 

Alex recalls another time in the past when everything was easier. When they both were little kids, running and playing around. No boys or girls pretending her. Piper was _only hers._

She remembers a specific day at school, when Piper first got her period. She was so scared and, although she knew what was happening, she couldn't concentrate long enough on anything to be able to do anything about it. That was, until Alex appeared out of nowhere through the door of the poorly cleaned restroom of their middle school, as if she had called her with just her mind.

"Hey Pipes, what are you doing? I never thought I'd see the day when you skipped class- hey, what's wrong?" she cuts her banter as soon as she takes one good look at her best friend and _immediately_ notices that something isn't quite right.

Piper's eyes are unfocused and she's staring at her reflection in the mirror. Perhaps, that was the first time she realized _something_ had changed inside of her chest. It felt hot and she wished she could change the world for her best friend. It scared her enough to not think about where that was coming from.

Since then, Alex just deals with her feelings for Piper, always supporting her, trying to make her happy in the most simple and stupid ways. For instance, everyone knew Alex was a force of nature, she always stood her ground and took shit from no one. _Except Piper._

Her mind wandered to all the times Piper hurt her without meaning to, and the times she put up with whatever bullshit Princess Piper wanted. And, she got really angry at herself for letting someone tame her like that. She had had her heartbroken so many times since they were 13-14 years old because Piper wanted to experiment with boys and do all the "normal" shit teenagers were supposed to do.

Alex let herself get lost in the painful process and now she realized she had no personality of her own without Piper. _Well, fuck her._ She's irrationally angry and she decides that she will not cry her heart out again. The best thing she could do right now was to take her mind off of Piper and try to forget about her. If her best friend wanted to date a fucking girl, it was her fucking problem and Alex would not intervene. She will play it cool with Piper, make a joke out of Piper's dream and that's it.

The solution is to go get wasted out of her mind -again-, but this time, she needs new people, a change of perspective.

//

"What was that about, Piper?" Carol asks her daughter in a stern voice, eyes blazing. "What if somebody else had enter before me? Do you know what people would _think?"_ she sounded as homophobic as a hypocritical catholic fanatic.

"What, Mom? What would _they_ think?! That I am gay?!" She spat angrily, trying to piss her mother off so she would shut up and possibly leave her alone.

"Well… yes, Piper Elizabeth!" she pursed her lips in distaste and sighed dramatically. "Can you imagine what everyone would say about me? No, you can't. "

"About you?! What do you have to do with Alex being my girlfriend?!" Piper blurts out and her eyes widen in horror at what she just said. Not because of what she said to her mother, but because that was the moment when her mind finally caught up with her heart and she realized that she did have a girlfriend, but it wasn't Alex.

"Oh, Piper. You don't know what you're talking about. You're too young to know anything about love." Carol stands up and starts shakingly pouring water on a glass, just to have something to do. "Alex Vause is a bad influence, I've told you a thousand times, that's why I'm not letting her near you again." She hastily puts the newly filled glass on Piper's bedside table and leaves her hospital room, to avoid further confrontation.

Piper is fuming by the time her mother closes the door behind her. And she wants to scream or hit something, but the only thing she can do now is throw the glass her mother gave her across the wall. It shatters in a thousand pieces, spilling the contents on the floor and the wall. It doesn't make her feel better, but at least some of the bubbling anger starts to fade when she thinks about the underlying truth in her own words.

And how has she been so fucking blind all this time?

She needs to call her best friend and tell her. **Ask her.**

Sadly, Alex doesn't pick up.

//

This feels mechanical, almost forced and semi-awkward, but she manages to make the girl cum several times. This girl, Alex thinks her name is Ashton or Aspyn or something like that, is smoking hot, has the right curves distributed perfectly and her eyes are dark brown, as well as her hair. Alex avoided blondes at all cost tonight, and Aspyn was an easy catch. She practically threw herself at Alex and her goal was to take the tall brunette to her apartment.

The sex was alright. Alex let her go down on her and closed her eyes when she came, trying to keep Piper off her mind, but cumming harder when Piper's eyes filled with lust appeared out of nowhere inside her eyelids, haunting her as always.

The smug grin Aspyn gave her when she opened her eyes made her unbelievably mad. The bitch had no fucking clue about anything.

Alex stood up so suddenly that Aspyn almost fell out of the bed. "Cigarette, be right back." was all Alex offered as she hastily dressed.

Outside Aspyn's apartment, Alex choke back tears as she checked her phone and realized the number of missed calls she had from Piper, and then, a single text.

_Pipes: I love you, Alex Vause._

Just that, no explanation, no excuse to say that, nothing.

_Too late._ She thinks, sadly.

It's probably the worst attitude to take right now, but Alex is broken and had found a new source of self respect and pride. She will not let Piper break her heart again, because Piper never knows what the fuck she wants. So she venomously texts back a curt message.

_Alex: I believe you meant 'Sophie'. The other hot brunette who just so happens to be your girlfriend. Goodnight, Piper._

And she turns her cellphone off, lights another cigarette with trembling hands and tries to turn her sadness into anger again, before she regrets what she had done and ends up calling Piper, crying for forgiveness at the rudeness of that text.

_No, Vause. She hurt you. She broke your heart. It's her loss._

She finishes her cigarette, trying to focus on all the attractive things she finds in Aspyn before re-entering the girl's apartment and taking her by surprise by grabbing her face with both hands and kissing her as passionately as she possibly can.


	8. Darkness

> "The cup is not half empty as pessimists say  
>  As far as he sees, nothing's left in the cup.  
>  A whole cup full of nothing for him to indulge  
>  Since the voice of ambition has long since been shut up."  
>  Poetic Tragedy/ The Used.

"Hey, babe. You look so hot tonight." Aspyn whispers in Alex's ear from behind as she spots the tall brunette waiting for her outside the club.

Alex closes her eyes as the scent of Aspyn's perfume reaches her nostrils. _It's the same one Piper fucking uses._ So she shivers almost imperceptibly, but not enough for Aspyn to not notice it and mistake it for something else: something that favors her.

Because Aspyn felt a strong, magnetic pull towards Alex as soon as she touched her, and that is absolutely dangerous for her. She might fall in love rather easily with someone as perfect and charming as Alex Vause.

She's encouraged by the little action that just took place and feels bold enough to wrap her arms around Alex's waist, feeling giddy and nervous about the brunette's reaction.

Alex goes stiff for a long moment, before consciously telling herself that this is fine, that she must continue with this. Maybe, _maybe,_ if she tries hard enough, someday she _might_ start feeling something else besides mild attraction for this girl.

Alex is lost in her thoughts for so long that she doesn't even realize that she's supposed to actually say something back, and it's only when Aspyn lets go of her that she reacts.

"Sorry, babe. I was just distracted by that ugly looking bouncer and I feel I'm not going in tonight, he won't let me." Alex turns around and kisses Aspyn quickly, businesslike.

Aspyn's expression changes from a frown to a full smile in just two seconds. "Don't be a pussy, your fake ID is pretty convincing. You and I are gonna have a great time tonight, I promise you." She finishes batting her eyelashes, sweetly.

Alex shudders and grabs her hand to take her inside the club, but before she can attempt to take off her fake ID, Aspyn kisses her very passionately, effectively making the mustachioed bouncer forget to ask for ID's.

"See? I told you there'd be no problem at all, babe." Alex grimaces and shrugs, "Let's get some beers or something."

Alex managed to relax a bit after a while; she could smile and make jokes as if she wasn't in pain. She flirted with Aspyn and kissed her now and then.

That day, the older brunette, opened a whole new world of possibilities for Alex, offering her heroine in the restroom of the club, making light of the situation. She told Alex it was harmless because it would be _just one time._ But of course, for someone that lost, it was a sweet escape from reality, and it was blissfully embraced.

//

Piper's convinced Carol had something to do with Alex being so acrimonious lately. After the very bitter text she received that night, she had tried to contact her best friend every day. No such luck.

It's been one week and Alex hasn't called or texted. _Maybe she's angry at me, but why?_ Piper plays their last encounter on a loop in her mind, racking her brain for signs that might give her an answer, but to no avail.

Today she's getting out of the hospital, out of danger, for the time being. Her new chemo is making her feel worse. She has lost all of her hair and her skin looks sunken and pale. She's 108 pounds, too skinny for her height and honestly, there are days where she just wants this to just end. She wants cancer to win, to finally finish with her.

Alex was her anchor and she didn't realize it before. _What am I supposed to do without her?_

Things with Sophie were awkward and bitter. Every time the brunette made an effort to make her smile or to make her feel better, Piper would shut her off and treat her like shit. Honestly, Sophie was taking it all really well. She understood what Piper was going through, after all, she had cancer too.

There were better days, when Piper would think that maybe she needed to fight more and survive just to see if she could be with Alex. Of course she was scared, because she suspected Alex really loved her that way, but she couldn't be certain because her mind always told her that Alex was just nice to her because she was sick.

Those times, Piper would try to analyze how Alex behaved around her before her sickness, and she would always end up cheering herself a little because Alex most definitely loved her.

On Sunday afternoon, Piper decided to take a bath, just have some time for herself and relax a little her tense muscles. She was lying on her bathtub, thinking about Alex yet again. _Aching_ for her.

_"You're such a dork, Alex Vause!" Piper burst out laughing at her best friend's antics. They were riding a rollercoaster one hot summer day, right before the start of classes, before Alex dropped out of highschool._

_The air was dry and the sun burned their skins, but they were having such a great time that it didn't matter. The ride was fun, nothing too dangerous, but Piper was scared shitless, and kept repeating that it was a bad idea._

_So Alex started making funny faces and saying stupid things, just to take Piper's mind off her fears. "Hey, look, I'm Crazy Eyes" she said, cross eyed. Obviously, Piper thought it was disrespectful, but couldn't help laughing._

_'Crazy Eyes' was one of her classmates. She was absolutely brilliant in drama class, but almost no one understood her sense of humour or the way she thought, but she was a nice, kind girl, who always offered you a warm smile or useful advice._

_"Yeah, but I'm a dork only for you, Pipes." Alex's beaming expression reached her eyes. The look she gave Piper was pure tenderness._

Nostalgia and Piper were sure to have a blast because Piper kept reminiscing about every little moment she shared with her best friend. Now, every memory had become a cherished treasure for her, and a nagging feeling grazed violently all over her chest. It ached to remember all those things and realize how blind she had been _this whole time._

//

The days went on monotonously. By the time a month had passed, Alex and Aspyn had an established routine: see each other every other day, get drunk, have sex, smoke pot and/or take another hard drug, then have sex again.

If there was something Alex hated, it was routines. Life not presenting exciting opportunities for new adventures or different things to do. But she found herself comfortable in her depression.

Sometimes, the drugs helped her cope with her broken heart. Sometimes, it was her own damnation, and she was spinning uncontrollably towards self destruction.

She had abandoned Desi yet again, and practically lived in Aspyn's apartment. No rent, free food, drugs and sex. What else could she ask for? Aspyn had a rather luxurious apartment right in the center of Brooklyn, and it was obvious that her daytime job didn't pay for it, but Alex didn't care.

Aspyn was, unmistakably falling in love with her and Alex knew, but she didn't care. Or if she cared, she told herself that it was not selfish because someday she would fall in love with Aspyn too. So they spent their time in self destruction, together. It suites Alex, in some way, and she was starting to feel really comfortable around Aspyn.

She hated that it wasn't something new, refreshing or even breathtaking as it always felt with Piper, but Aspyn was really sweet and caring, so Alex, selfishly let her dream of a future together.

Secretly, she enjoyed some of the moments but never enough to forget about Piper. And every day, she wanted to call her, to see if she was doing okay, she repeated herself, over and over. And a frantic idea crossed her mind every once in a while: _what if she's already dead?_

Those were the moments when she tried harder to just pass out, feel numb, because a reality without Piper… a world _existing_ without her best friend was unbearable.

//

About a month and a half after Alex disappeared from her life, Piper had gave up all hope and just let herself decay. She refused chemotherapy, saying it wasn't working either way, because she **really** wanted to die.

Her friends and family were there with her, all the time. Taking care of her like the frail being she was, they were lovely, really, and no one could ask for more, but she felt a hole in her chest. No one could replace Alex.

She gradually let herself get really sick. First, the chemo made her really fragile, she stopped it all, the chemo, going to the hospital, and talking to Sophie, just like that.

Sophie had tried to contact her everyday, several times a day, going to her house, calling, texting, everything. She even went as far as climbing through the same window Alex did.

And that's when Piper exploded and yelled at her. All kinds of mean stuff, and demanded to never be searched for again.

Sophie understood, and never again tried to call or text, even though she still cared about Piper.

//

"Goddammit, Alex! Where have you been all this fucking time!" an angry Cal yelled at the brunette when he happened to pass her by on the street, on his way to the hospital, late at night.

Alex was unsurprisingly inebriated, so, at first, she didn't recognize Cal's voice and was about to retort sarcastically when he took her by the shoulders and shook her, as if trying to elicit a reaction from her, or just to let off some steam.

"God, Cal. Calm down, will you? I was just-"

"Piper's dying." his voice cracked and when Alex raised her head to look at him, wide eyed, she saw how much pain he was in.

"D-dying? What- what happened?" she answered stupidly, with trembling voice.

"She gave up."

//

It all happened one cold, winter afternoon. Piper had a complicated case of pneumonia and was practically dying in a hospital bed. She actually went as far as saying goodbye to her family.

Piper didn't seem to be responding to the antibiotics, she had fevers all the time and was going in and out of consciousness because her brain wasn't getting enough oxygen. Her system was shutting down. This was the end.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> (To be continued...)


End file.
